Reality Sets In...

So today was kind of rough day for me...

The morning started off great.  I was in charge of a craft at MOPS and the ladies seemed to like it and were feeling pretty successful.  In the afternoon, however, that's when things started to change for me.

Aubrey refused to take a nap and this seems to be a common occurrence these days :(.  She's so tired but yet won't sleep!  Good thing her Nana came over to watch her and keep her occupied while Brandon and I went to my doctor's appointment later this afternoon.

At the appointment we found out that everything is still looking fine with baby girl.  Her heartbeat was strong and I am measuring right on.  The hard news to hear came after my doctor took a closer look at my veins and how bad they really were. 

Now I have been holding the reality of what my delivery might look like in the back on my head and didn't want to concentrate on what "could" be when I wouldn't know till it happened.  With that said, when they doctor had a more concerned look on his face and a more solemn demeanor I knew that these veins were not looking good and he knew it.  In a sense I almost had some reassurance that "yes I'm not making this up" and "yes, these are really painful."  He sat down in his seat and he proceeded to talk about the different delivery options I might have.  That's when I got overwhelmed and very nervous.  It might be looking like maybe a "normal" kind of delivery is not in the books for me.  He talked about induction, c-section, and recovery.  None of it is decided upon yet until I get closer to the due date, but needless to say what I have been putting in the back of my head about this delivery has now become reality and a decision we are really needing to pray about.

I held it together until I got through the door of the doctor's office, but then I broke down.  This is not what I had intended for myself or this baby, but I am so thankful that she is looking healthy and growing.  After how this pregnancy started out with a ruptured cyst I am still SO thankful I am carrying this little one and that I get to be her mom.  No matter what happens I know that I am in God's hands and so is this precious little miracle.  It just hit me today that we have so little in OUR control and it was just hard.

As I spent my evening with Aubrey I was reminded how extremely lucky I am to be her mom.  All the worries I had in the afternoon faded some as I was rocking Aubrey before she went to bed tonight.  I sang to her and she sang along and then I just held her for a little bit longer today as we just rocked in silence.  At that moment the little girl that is growing inside of me moved and there I was holding my now two year old and feeling movements from our little miracle and I just started to cry.  I'm not quite sure how to describe my emotions, but so many women go through so many worse things to be a mom and I cannot tell you how blessed I feel that I have the privilege of being a mom twice.  I think I might remember this day for a long time.  The decision factors that still lay ahead might fade in my mind, but the moment I was with my two precious little ones is one that will be ingrained in my heart for a long time.  I am beyond blessed and cannot wait to be a mom for a second time.  However God chooses to bring this baby into the world I know it will be His plan and part of this little girl's bigger story :).